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In the late 1990s I remember contacting an inspector in confidence seeking some information about what it would be like for a gay man to join the guards and to my amazement he advised me not to join, as it was largely a homophobic organisation, light years away from accepting openly gay men and women. I was very disappointed to hear that and took him at his word.

Years passed and I saw numerous recruitment initiatives pass without applying for them. I continued to develop a professional career and my identity as a gay man improved as time went on. I was very involved as a volunteer in the local gay community which helped me come to terms with my sexual orientation. Now to family and friends it is not a big deal anymore. As I approached the cut-off age for applying to the gardaí, the urge again to try this profession out began to interest me. So I applied and was successful in my application.

As I drove through the gates in Templemore the day I started training in Phase I, I made a promised that there was no way I was going to go back into the closet when I joined the gardaí, after spending so much time and heartache coming out of it. Unfortunately, that is exactly what happened.

Almost immediately I was confronted with a macho culture – having entered the Garda College, people automatically presumed that I was straight. There was little or no acceptance of diversity in the college among my peers. I had to endure the laughter when staff and students in the college made public jibes at gay men and women. A staff member was ridiculed in a lecture theatre of 180 students by a sergeant, one of his colleagues, to peels of laughter from the students listening to him, as people who were different and stood out were criticised and mocked.

This made me want to recoil even further, keeping my sexual identity hidden. Thankfully I sought and received some support from some college staff when a classmate started making comments about me to others in the class and he had to be openly challenged on it before it escalated.

On phase II my tutor garda was a consummate homophobe who spoke in the most disparaging terms about gay members he had met during his career. He made no mention of the calibre of garda they were, rather what they chose to do in their private lives.

I continued with the training saying that I would come out once I was attested. But that never happened; those jibes that I heard in the college and on phase II continued in the station.

Any interaction with any gay person in the course of duty has to be discussed and commented on amongst the unit and it always ends up that I have to listen to my colleagues comment inappropriately about the nature of the interaction of the person involved.

I see myself as very much part of the unit, my work return was fairly high and I realise that I am becoming a good police officer. Soon after attestation I slowly started to realise that I didn’t want anything to compromise what could be a promising career in the guards. A rather unhealthy dose of paranoia began to creep in.

At that time I got in contact with the newly formed support group for gay members - and found it really beneficial. Even though I am helping out there I am the only member that has not come out. Not that I feel I need to come out to my unit, but I smile when I think how I struggled, and in some ways continue to struggle, with my sexual orientation and how confident I was as a gay man before joining the gardaí.

Today I feel that I should be entitled to come to work without having to listen to my colleagues as they comment on something on which they have never experienced; the isolation, confusion and struggle that every gay person in this society endures.

September